Originally written August 2023
In the past, I’ve written about my own ambivalence around starting a blog/newsletter in the first place - is my voice so important to share, am I just marketing myself, how can I continue to do purpose driven work within the system of capitalism?
It turns out, I also have strong ambivalence about being a “business owner.” It’s not a particularly exciting title to me and I generally prefer to work collectively (or at least not solo), but I recognize that whether I like it or not, I am a business.
Because I am well-practiced at questioning my own worth and value, it’s easy to be shaken when I compare myself to others. I ask myself why am I not as successful? Should I try to get more recognition for my work? Is it futile trying to be a consultant when there are so many others out there?
When I explore my feelings of scarcity or worthiness, I know they are connected to capitalism, or more specifically the imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy (bell hooks). These systems foster the implicit beliefs that there is only so much to go around. That there must be more and bigger in order to be better. That any kind success is an individual accomplishment, rather than a community effort.
It’s embarrassing that I fall for all of it so easily, even as I’m aware of and challenging these beliefs. There is no neat endpoint to this story, but perhaps a wish for greater self-acceptance. I wish this for all of us, to deftly dodge and repel these insidious cultural messages as much as we’re able. A life well lived can be defined by each of us, in relationship to and with one another.
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